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Wednesday, January 4, 2012

I am EXACTLY where I've CHOSEN to be!

This is the truth which I will LIVE by this year.  It is the truth that will determine my actions each minute of each hour of each day.  Well... that's the goal.  I have got to get it in my thick skull that I I I I I I am responsible for my choices.  And the choices I make today will determine every future moment.  At age 40, I am fat because I've CHOSEN to be.  No, I haven't conscientiously said "I choose to be fat.  I enjoy myself this way".  But with every choice I make to put something into my body that will cause me to stay the same or grow larger, I AM essentially choosing to be fat.  Choosing to be thin would require different choices.  So this year, I will choose differently.  And next year at this time, I can say "I am EXACTLY where I've CHOSEN to be" with pride and a smile!  Right now, I say those words with complete regret.

I did something crazy yesterday.  I entered the 4th Annual Eat-Clean Diet Makeover Challenge.  I took pictures (again) of my fat, rippled, overhanging body in a BIKINI.  And this time, I sent them to TOTAL strangers to look (laugh!) at.  I sent my measurements and made a promise to do my best to WIN!  What would winning me to me?  It would mean that I worked hard.  It would mean that finally stuck to my plan.  It would mean that I could be truly proud of myself.  It would mean that my family would be proud of me.  It would mean that I kept my promise.  I bet that would feel pretty darn amazing!

My 40th year QUEST started out great!  (These things always do!)  I was a good girl for a whole 6 weeks!  I lost 10 lbs.  And then there was Thanksgiving.  And Christmas.  And New Years.  It wasn't a total disaster, though.  Days were good.  Nights and weekends... not so much.  So I begin again. :)  And again....and again. As many times as it takes!

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